No Fixed Abode

I’ve been in a weird place for a while now. Plagued by frustration and confusion. Those of you who see Christianity as a crutch… well I refuse to be diplomatic, that plainly isn’t the case. Under what we call spiritual attack and also God has been ‘breaking me’. What??

I have a piece of string somewhere, it was a bracelet, it was a reminder. Like a red dot on the back of my hand. It was not a light hearted decision when I gave God permission to mess my life up and now I am realising the fullness of that. The fullness is that His love can be a painful love, a love that burns. The refiners fire, the smokers cough. Whenever you try to get things clean the slag, the scum has to go somewhere, it has to come up. That makes life horrible for the short term, eventhough that short-term can feel too long. So long that you forget and get disillusioned. You look back at your dodgy past and your insecure future. Then, like in that zen story, 2 mice turn up and start nibbling on your rope. You look back and see the tiger at the top of the rope, and then down at your future… a chasm floor of jagged rocks. The need to enjoy the present comes clear when you find a strawberry within arms reach, it tastes better than any other fruit you’ve tasted before. My arms are tired and I wonder if the mice will make it through the rope, I think too much about my options and miss out on the strawberries.

Alanis was wrong… rain on your wedding day isn’t ironic, thats just unfortunate. The fact that when you have the chance to serve the kingdom like you haven’t had before, that you’ve got the space to show what you can do and then you suddenly find yourself at the point of spiritual backruptancy and brokenness… that is ironic. It is an irony that happens over and over again. Why didn’t anyone warn me? I knew life would be difficult, but I didn’t think I would find myself wondering where my faith had gone.

My interview went well. I believe it likely that they will offer me a job but unlikely that I will accept it. The concept to uber bar and the company ethos just doesn’t sit right with me and not somewhere that I want to work. However, the result of a conversation that involved me revealing the dark facts behind uber may have left me with a job at kro2 (mcr bar of the year winner) thanks to DK - an empathetic bar manager and ultimate player.